In loving memory of Ayaka

I’m glad the weekend is over.

Firstly it made me feel sad all over again. 

Secondly, I got quite angry at some stuff. I realise how you see what you didn’t know before & I know now what you meant. 

Thirdly, I hate it when people say “This is what Ayaka wants” because how would they know what you want right? I am only doing this because this needs to be done for your mom & family, not really whether it’s what you want/ if you will be happy. sighz. 

Fourthly, I can’t believe how there are so KY pple around. 

Thank you for bringing Manami-san to Singapore this 2 weeks.

We helped your mum packed your stuff this weekend.

I couldn’t help but start crying when I saw your dresses, those you wore where we had happy memories in. 

helped you disconnect your cable tv as well. 

was a great help to your mom for the banking matters. I’m glad I was of some help with Manami.

Manami-san is here in singapore. we helped you to tease Hiroki about いろいろ。

went to terminate my membership at George St. 

I remembered our 約束 to swim together at their lovely pool there with the wonderful view of downtown cbd and the time we went with Yasushi & Hiroki & chatted by the pool in the cool evening breeze. and we didn’t get to do that yet.

the front desk manager asked why I wanted to terminate, and asked if I had anyone to transfer my membership to. I said, yes, I had, but she passed away..  

and she told me about 2 staff members who passed away from illnesses who were younger than you. 

I felt really sorry. 

Your mom is coming to Singapore this weekend. I don’t know what to say to her.

watched Marley & me & I thought of you. 

It was touching & every funny scene that I thought you would have found funny I smiled at. 

I couldn’t cry when the dog died.

It felt like all my tears had been used up for you.

Today I walked past Starbucks in front of Pacific Plaza & my eyes began to water.

I can’t help but recall the times we sat there for a drink, & how you also held up the bearista for me to take pictures for this year’s CNY, the cow bearista which had a snout. The time you invited me to watch 花より男子 with the free tix at Lido you had, the time you tried to help me use my isetan vouchers by buying lots of groceries which was the day you got robbed.. 

Today, I felt lost. 

Almost every public holiday we would go to the gym in the morning & then shop together in the afternoon. I wandered around orchard myself this afternoon..

I tried my best but I still couldn’t help but let the tears roll down my cheeks during the memorial, during my words about you to everyone. I didn’t know why my hand was shaking so badly uncontrollably. 

I hope you heard everything.

I’m supposed to say something about you tomorrow or something to you? 

I think I kinda finished saying everything to you here. 

Is there anything you want to hear from me?

Hello everyone, We’re holding a memorial service for Ayaka Go at Fort Canning Park Centre, White Studio on 2009/3/18 (wednesday)

 The memorial service will start at 6:00pm and will last around half an hour.

i saw in a forum some idiots are saying really weird stuff. 

can’t they just respect the dead?

was the rain these 2 days your tears in disguise? 

My mom in law said it was strange to have rain for this time of the year. 

I’m attributing all strange things to you. 

I had to return to singapore today. 

今日あまり郷さんのことを考えなかった。。（眠かったからかな）

お葬式の後もうちょっと落ち着いたと思います。

木村さんは再来週からシンガポールに来るよ。（郷さんは仕事もうできないから・・）

郷さんとのいつもの時間木村さんと一緒にするね。

I couldn’t feel that it was you there. 

Yesterday, 今野さん、上原さん、林さん、木村さん & Steve came to the wake.

Today,  大峰さん、一臣さん、草賀さん、上原さん、八重さん、あやみさん、鈴木さん& your friends Gonzo & Barry came to see you off. 

Every one was crying buckets of tears for you, even the men. It was heartbreaking to see Mii-chan crying as well. Did you see this? 

草賀さん told me I should not keep wanting you back, otherwise you cannot rest in peace. He said throughout he was praying for you to reach the other side safely. I guess I was too selfish. 天国へ安心で行ってください。

i am trying to  let go of the wanting you back mindset. although I think that’s what everyone wants. 

We had お好み焼き　at 梅田東通り　for lunch and I remembered the first time I went to your house for dinner at International Plaza, you cooked pretty good お好み焼き、 and your cucumber salad was the best. it was there everyone warned me about someone while asking me what Ryo was like. I think that was when we all became so close.  During lunch, everyone was talking about you, how you were 上手い at the last offsite presentation for svcs, and how much your presentation skills improved. I’m really proud of you, and they all were. 

I don’t know how long I can carry on talking to you, but I’ll try to update whatever we do as much as possible to you. You must be missing us all from where you are too.

I will go for your funeral now. 

I hope I don’t have to say this to anyone else for a long time. 

This morning i saw a small excerpt of おくりびと on tv. it made me cry imagining you being dressed in that white kimono. & we were supposed to watch it together!!! I can’t  believe it was only last monday when I told u that story at lunch and u said you wanted to watch slumdog as well.

and I spoke to your mom & sister. 

I know you wanted to introduce them to me, but I would have preferred any other way than all of us saying sorry to one another and crying our eyes out. 

I apologised to them for not having made sure you were safe in singapore. 

They showed me pictures, they had developed everything from your camera. There were pictures of the wedding. and of the dive trip just before the accident. You didn’t give any indication in your pictures that you were going to jump into the water again though. 

It was so cold in Osaka when I reached this morning. My mother in law said today was like the coldest day she had ever woke up to this winter. Was it you?

The person lying there isn’t you. 

Or you in bad make up. 

you would probably be very mad at the person who did the make up for you. 

Did you see all the people who turned up? You were well-loved.

I don’t know why, the more times I went to look at you, the less I felt like crying. 

I guess it’s really because that isn’t you.

郷さん

やっぱりお葬式に行けるかもしれない。

ちょっとドキドキですが。

日本に着いたよね。

なんか郷さんは飛行機の下部に乗ったのを思うとすごく嫌な感じ。あそこ寒くて、郷さんは寒いところに弱いもん・・

Thanks to Marini I now have an 8R photoframe of me & Ryo and you on my desk now. 結婚式のDinnerの写真を私の机の上で置いてます。

I went to pass Lovell the collection from our team, and I saw someone had rearranged the flowers on your desk; all pushed to 1 side. why did anyone do that!? It was kind of rude to have rearranged your desk without your permission right? But at least I didn’t burst out in tears at your desk today. 

I didn’t cry in the office the whole of today.  (can hear you saying “良かった！” at this) I went to the gym after work and tried to not think about anything but I just kept seeing you in your gym wear doing sit ups outside the studio after hot yoga every week in my head. You would pull up abit of your top and poke at your tummy, to see how flabby it was, and I would be saying.. “seems ok to me…” 

in the shower. i just kept thinking about how we would be doing our makeup after showering at Millenia walk, and you would be sitting on the bench outside your usual lockers drawing on your eyeliner while we chatted. the last time we went, you had just come back from New Year at Osaka, and you were telling me about the Korean bath place you had gone to. You said you were going to bring me there for their wonderful body scrub services during golden week when you came to Osaka. I was very much looking forward to that you know…

After that we walked over to Ritz for you to take a look at the poolside to plan your idea for my wedding party. Then we had lunch at the foodcourt. I remembered what you ate. We set near the door overlooking Esplanade, near the drinks store because the air con was so cold and you ate Laksa, read your Japanese cookbook to plan what groceries to buy later on in the day, and you showed me the page about how to 節約 in the book. I still have that picture I took of the page!!  omg, why do I remember everything so clearly?!  the last time we went for hot yoga was so long ago??? in January?! 

sorry … 

as I was saying. 

I did well until I started crying on the way home due to some other matter. 他のことで涙出たと思ったが、やっぱり、郷さんのことだった。

ごめん郷さん、まだ時間要るよ。

すっぐ泣かなくなることは無理です。

ジュリアスはこの件以来は大変助かった。私いまなんでも無理が分かってるので、最近わたしのこともうちょっと大切にした。いろいろも手伝ってくれた。

ごめん郷さん、もう一つ悪いけど、郷さんのDiveBuddyのことを恨んでる。なぜと言うと、郷さんの命を守ってなかった。郷さんのBuddyなのに。彼のせいじゃないかもしれないけど、彼の責任だったでしょう・・なぜ郷さんが海にいるのは知らなかったの？！信じられないよ・・・・

今日の天気は本当にずっと晴れたね。ありがとう。

the accident

郷さん、今日の新聞で郷さんの事件を載せてるよ。

疑問点が多すぎるね。

心配しないで、木村探偵とジョスリン探偵が真実をわかるように頑張ってます。

おはよう。

今日も晴れてるかな。

I made myself so tired last night chatting with 木村さん about you that I was too sleepy to think about u this morning. 

木村さん is feeling as bad as me, or worse. 

We are both wondering where you went, where are you now. Taking a long holiday? 

We have decided that it would be best to find out the truth.  Only you know what really happened, we only want to make sure it’s the truth they are telling and not just you slipped or fell w/o anyone seeing because we don’t believe that you would slip. 

We made ourselves so angry last night thinking it could be a  cover up that we forgot about being sad for you. Which is a good thing right? You don’t want us to be sad for too long as well I think. I am trying my best to pick myself up, to not cry everytime I think of you. 

We thought about what kind of memorial service you would have wanted us to have for you, I am not really sure whatever we came up with was what you would have wanted actually. But, its ok, those who really really love you will have their own memorial of what they think you would have liked on their own as well. I am going to do just that.

Enjoy your holidays, I hope it’s always sunny where you are now. It’s raining almost daily here.

we (julius, me & 吉岡さん) went to your place in the evening today.

吉岡さんwanted to find out the owner’s information and only I knew your exact address. 

Seeing your house door reminded me of the time I helped you move in on that day in the heavy rain. 

At the end of the move, about 2pm in the afternoon, we were exhausted, just lolling around on your sofa and feeling famished, and you asked me to come over and have sleepovers anytime. I said ok, but up until now, haven’t properly found time to. Which is another guilty regret i hold now that I will never have the chance to. We went to Din Tai Fung after that at Wisma, and ordered hot and spicy soup & the xiao long bao as always and I remember we both complained about the exact same thing when drinking the soup “how come its neither spicy nor sour?!” 

No one was home when we reached your place, so we left a note on the door. Your housemate called back shortly after we left and he got a shock when he heard the news. He probably thought it was a prank. I am still thinking that this is a cruel prank you are playing on us and any moment you are going to just appear and say “haha! gotcha!” so often that I can hear in my head very clearly. 

Please, this is just a prank right?

i hope you like white roses. 

we went to your seat just now, it looks like you were away at the toilet. 

i helped you straightened your polaroid. 

you have flowers on your desk from many other colleagues who miss you too.

おはよう。

I was thinking about  you in the car this morning.

knowing you, I know you must have fought your hardest  and only left when you really couldn’t fight anymore. 

I hope you didn’t feel any pain. 

It feels strange in the office without you.

I need some place to pour out my grief. 

Have been crying everytime you come to my mind. 

I was going to show u all the wedding photos on monday, to let you know I pushed back my leaving date, to ask you all about your diving trip, to catch up. 

I’m really sorry I was so busy with the wedding for the past few weeks that we didn’t meet much. 

I have so many things to tell you. 

You promised to visit me during golden week in my new place. We were going to do the Work at home thing together.

we were supposed to drink coffee at starbucks after you go isetan on saturday after gym.

there are so many things we were supposed to do together.

why .  why did this have to happen.