In loving memory of Ayaka

saw your scarf hanger in the catalog… need to have abit of inspiration from your decoration sense

I was reminiscing on your cucumber salad when I was walking around the supermarket. I can’t wait for your cook books to come with the shipping in a few weeks. if only you were around to teach me how to cook.

have reached Japan. 

I looked at furniture today & thought of how we were going to be messing around the house together if you were still around.  saw your metal rack you used to use in your kitchen & was inspired to do the same.

hmm we thought we saw you in our photos when we took photos yesterday

we had paintball today. 

I remembered your bruise on your neck on that day we ate seafood at dempsey. You played paintball with the rec club.

I can imagine how you would have trashed the other team if you were here today.

i went to the gym at Paragon with 吉岡さん 。

it was the place where I gave you the invitation card, where we met the cute guy, where you asked me why I started running. 

Do you remember?

it’s been a month since we lost you. 

are you doing fine? 

we miss you..

I was making cards for everyone and I realised I didn’t have any photo of you printed out. 

I don’t know if I wanted to print any photos with you to remind others of you, if I was making your card I have in mind the photos I want to use. 

I remembered how you gushed over the wedding invitation when you received it and made me feel very happy. You were the first person I gave the invitation to from the office, we were at the new paragon renovated gym for the first time & I remembered you were late. I had to leave earlier to meet the wedding consultant that day. 

have finally packed half of my stuff. maybe leaving this place with so many memories of will make the pain easier.

packing is so tiring. I found many ticket stubs of movies we watched together.

I went to the gym at Cathay today with 吉岡さん。

I looked into the studio and saw you in the glass. I saw the shadows of our reflections not so long ago, when we stood there and laughed at the instructor with the very short shorts doing kicks on stage through the glass, when we stood there and ogled at a cute Japanese guy through the glass. 

I ran for 3km, stopped of hunger & restlessness & went to look for 吉岡さん。 She was at the stretching area. I saw you there lying on the mat with me chatting..

I didn’t know what else to do; I went into the locker room and sat down at our usual bench right at the end. I looked at the empty bench beside me & I just couldn’t help it. Tears came to my eyes & i just sobbed into my towel as quietly as I could. When I got better, and 吉岡さん came in, I started crying uncontrollably again. 

What’s wrong with me??

吉岡さん said she liked the picture of us hugging at the wedding. I can still hear your voice telling me 「ジョスリン、本当に嬉しいよ」 as you gave me a hug after I said jokingly that your boobs were showing. 

Why wasn’t you more careful….

suddenly thought of the time when we ate pasta at the underground stores at Hankyu. 

we waited for quite a while in queue, you went to the loo for some big business while i wanted in line, you told me about your ex bf over the food.

I was thinking about the time when you told me you watched Batman Forever with M on our way to ORQ for gym. I remembered very clearly your expression as you described the movie, and your grimace when you were describing the scene when the Joker stuck the pencil in the guy’s head. 

I was thinking about the time you asked me during lunch when Shinobu-san first came back from maternity leave, about where I would have my baby, in Singapore or in Japan and I said, hmmm… I don’t think I want to have kids yet, and probably in Singapore? 

I was thinking about the time when we sat at Coffee Club at Millenia Walk, last year july or August, after I first joined FF , after my lasik, when you sat down and studied for your basic license, the Japanese PADI guide that I found in your room last weekend, while I tried to study for JLPT but ended up reading a magazine instead. You chided me for having read the same 2 pages for 20 minutes, because I got bored and started laughing at me. It was a windy day, very windy, and we sat there until 4pm because you were meeting some friends after & I was meeting my cousin for dinner at takashimaya. we sat there, we saw Takeyoshi-san and spoke to her.. and it started to rain quite heavily. 

I was thinking about the housewarming party you had at your place at Bukit Merah, when me & Yoshioka-san & Shinobu-san went. I saw the housewarming gift of a bowl that Shinobu-san gave you & I saw it packed up on Saturday. I remembered how we watched Little Britain, laughed alot while I fell asleep on the couch.. we went to Coffee Club at Mohammed sultan, sat on the swing couch while you had a drink. 

why did you leave me behind ..

I really don’t know how to function without you around.