In loving memory of Ayaka

I wonder how many years we can get together on this day to think about you.

Thank you for the wonderful weekend.

As I was lying on the floor, alone in the house, it was silence outside but in my head, you were speaking loud and clear. It’s almost 2 years but the memories of the last time we spoke came flooding back into my head.

We were having lunch at Burp, and I had asked you out for a movie, but you said you had plans for the weekend. You did say that you had made plans to watch Slumdog millionaire with Yukikoyo & Tei-san.. but that plan ended up never to be fulfilled.

I miss your laughter and our chats and our gym sessions. After hot yoga at Millenia Walk on Saturday mornings, we would just laze around at the gym’s drinking area and read magazines until we felt well enough to walk to the shower room. After that, it would be heading to Orchard on bus 36 and then lunch and an afternoon of chilling at starbucks outside Pacific Plaza. It was our routine, and you would read me funny bits in your book throughout the day.

I can’t bring myself to initiate contact with your family, even though I do think of them sometimes. How are you, Ayaka’s mom? Is there room for such a question? What would the answer be? “I’m still living my life, but my daughter is gone.. How do you think I am?” I am still feeling alot of guilt, for not having been keeping up with you at your last moments, perhaps things might have not been the same?

whenever i see the Merlion tower nowadays, I always remember you telling me – ” it looks scary don’t you think?” and I was having the same thought at the exact moment. How strange life is; words that are just meaningless remarks actually stick with you when you recall the exact moments.

I hope you are well and looking over us wherever you  are.  あなたの分も活きてるよ。

It will be your birthday again soon.  How fast time flies.

I talk to you sometimes, in my head, when I have no one to talk to. I think about one of the last few times we ate ice cream together at B&J Raffles City alot, where you made a silly face to let me take  a picture of you for my phone’s contact photo. Where you listened to my confession of yet another mistake I made.

I miss you. I miss our silly girl talk in the gym after showering.

Everything seems to be going wrong lately. Do you know?

I had a horrible nightmare last night. I was sick with fright that I might have lost someone else when i woke up this morning.

I felt you crying along with us when the rain got only heavier when we gathered with u today. I can only do my best being a guide and hostess to our friends. You are the reason we are bonding stronger than ever, but the empty space you have left behind will never be filled.

I don’t anyone of us has healed yet.

I seem to have lost all my emotions. the ability to feel angry or to lost my patience or to complain & rant seems to have all disappeared when you went away..

it’s almost 1 year since.

How are you?

最近どこでもあのCaterpillarのデザインのものを見ちゃって、郷さんのことどこでも考えなきゃ。

人生相談の相手いないよ、郷さんがいないと。今私の人生いろいろがあり、郷さんに言いたいですが、郷さんは聞いてるかなぁ？まだ迷ってる・・郷さんしかわからないことたくさんあって、今郷さんがいないと本当に誰にも言えない・・

i miss you.

I haven’t looked here in a while. Partly because I was too busy, partly because I didn’t want to think about Ayaka & feel sad.

I think of her every yoga class. At the end of the class, during the meditation time, I would lie down, close my eyes and see Ayaka & me giggling during one of the first few classes at Fitness First, when one girl just laid there having really fallen asleep during the meditation after the class. The lights were switched on & she continued sleeping there; and we were chuckling & wondering if she really fell asleep.

i saw you in one of my dreams last month. You had bought a new dress & asked me how it looked; I was overwhelmed by many people trying to talk to me at the same time & asked you to wait while I cleared the other people first. by the time I got back to you, you weren’t there anymore. exactly what happened in real life. i’m sorry. I wanted to tell you the dress looks great, exactly your style & I missed seeing you around.

This shouldn’t be affecting me now it’s almost been a year but it is. I can’t help the tears rolling down my cheeks as I write this to you now.

きっと、2010年の手帳って、郷さんはこれを使います。

Last night, it was the first time I saw you so clearly in a dream.

It was a dream about the sea, there was all sorts of talk about diving.

I miss you. I thought that if I could continue to sleep I could continue to talk to you but you went away..

I went to see your grave today.

I didn’t know what to say to you. I could only help clean up and wash up and leave some flowers and convey everyone’s thoughts & light you some candles & incense.

even though it’s a little out of the way, I think I can visit you when I’ve time.

it’s almost 6 months. 1 more day in fact. time flies.

I was thinking about you tonight. actually most times when I’m alone I think about you.

I’ll think about you when I see any starbucks, whenever I go to Millenia Walk, when i go through the food court, I’ll think about you eating with me & Araki-san at the table after hot yoga on Saturday mornings.

I keep replaying our conversation at the bus stop last october, before the wedding.

” 嬉しいですよ!” you said. and I really felt your happiness for me. and i was happy to have you as my friend.

Everytime I do something, I would wonder if you are watching me from where you are. What would you think if you could see me now? Do you see how lonely I am w/o u around?

I think about how I would react if I were to see you in the mirror behind me after showering. Would I be afraid or would I be happy to see you?

the people who are gone are slowly forgotten as people get back into their own lives. they become some slice of memory in everyone’s mind.

there have been so many changes in Singapore since I was gone. you would have wanted to show me around. instead, now I go around with you in my mind showing you the changes that have happened in the past few months.

the memory of us riding the MRT back together after sending Akane off on her backpacking trip suddenly surfaced in my mind.

I can still remember our conversation describing the girl sitting opposite us as having スイカ sized boobs, and all the fruits we were trying to use to describe the different sizes.

and then you made fun of me cos my zip was half open (it was spoilt….) and said i was an exhibitionist. (0.0)

The train ride from Changi airport felt so short that day.

Happy birthday Ayaka, you’ll always be 29 years old in our hearts.

I thought i would visit u after I get some omiyage for you from singapore. I actually dread going back to see all the familiar places with memories of you all over orchard shopping together.

I finally saw you again last night.

Had a strange dream when your mom asked us to go to your house. & suddenly, you appeared, only to me, aas pretty as ever, and showed me your bedroom. I felt so happy to see you, despite knowing it was only your spirit, and i felt so so so happy to have you show me your room. Things seemed to have been left untouched; unfortunately, you encouraged me to open your wardrobe, your drawers. When I pulled open your drawers, I saw leftover chicken drumsticks.  & I wondered, why haven’t they decayed?

After I walked away from that drawer, I realised something sticky was on my elbow. I looked down and saw 2 tiny maggots.  I turned in shock to you and you were gone.

I could only wake up.

i saw the picture of your grave. it’s so .. wrong. You’re not gray. 

If I was able to choose, it would be white & your colourful scarf with floral prints would be draped around it.

郷さん、今どこにいる？

寂しいですよ。

ほとんど毎日理由なく泣いてる・・今どこにいるの？！

今何でも一人でやってる・・ジム行く時、ヨガのクラスでも一人で、話したい時郷さんがいない・・走ってる時の笑い話でもできない。隣のマシンのおばちゃんとおじちゃんが怖そう。

こちらでがんばって生きてますが、つらいですよ。郷さんがいないのはとても辛いですよ。もうすぐ3カ月ですが・・i really miss you.

your grave stone is almost ready..

I saw a lady driving past who looked like you, i felt a jolt inside, looked again, but she drove away too quickly. what was that?

everytime I see a Banana republic store, I’m reminded of how we went in to the store at Paragon, you tried your dress, I gave my opinion.
I will always remember this is one of the clothing brands you liked.

saw many girls with the high up bun hairdo which you always did. 

when I did any shopping, i would think of all the wisdom you imparted, all your anedotes when you shopped 

• your overspending on lingerie once to change your luck
• your loft search for costume withh me 
• how u ate pasta wif me even though yr mom was trying to cook chicken rice at home

i still havent seen u in any dream at all.. perhaps that;s a good thing.

When u left you took  part of me with u that I can never have back again. 

the joy the life the enthusiasm.

its been 2 months..

we visited your mom & sis today. 

It was to visit you, but that sounds really weird.

I thought I was ok .. but being there, seeing your photo, the room, your mom, lighting an incense,  i started to cry.  I just couldn’t help it. where are you now? I know we all miss you, hiroki was saying if you were alive, we would be having dinner and visiting Nishinomiya Gardens together.  yes we would, but I tried not to think about that. 

you know what? まだ信じてないかな。

今悲しくないと思ってるけど、悲しくないじゃない、考えたくないだけです。ずっと今まで仕事が忙しくて、ゲームをやって、考える時間をなくなるように頑張りました。

その時から今まで郷さんの写真を見たくなくなって、今日見て、やっぱりないちゃった。

your mom showed us your university day photos.. where u were a third year student? it was you with less make up, we couldn’t help but laugh. 

explained to your mom all the photos I knew, I really can remember exactly everything we did & when.. 

I miss you so much.

saw your scarf hanger in the catalog… need to have abit of inspiration from your decoration sense

I was reminiscing on your cucumber salad when I was walking around the supermarket. I can’t wait for your cook books to come with the shipping in a few weeks. if only you were around to teach me how to cook.

have reached Japan. 

I looked at furniture today & thought of how we were going to be messing around the house together if you were still around.  saw your metal rack you used to use in your kitchen & was inspired to do the same.

hmm we thought we saw you in our photos when we took photos yesterday

we had paintball today. 

I remembered your bruise on your neck on that day we ate seafood at dempsey. You played paintball with the rec club.

I can imagine how you would have trashed the other team if you were here today.

i went to the gym at Paragon with 吉岡さん 。

it was the place where I gave you the invitation card, where we met the cute guy, where you asked me why I started running. 

Do you remember?

it’s been a month since we lost you. 

are you doing fine? 

we miss you..

I was making cards for everyone and I realised I didn’t have any photo of you printed out. 

I don’t know if I wanted to print any photos with you to remind others of you, if I was making your card I have in mind the photos I want to use. 

I remembered how you gushed over the wedding invitation when you received it and made me feel very happy. You were the first person I gave the invitation to from the office, we were at the new paragon renovated gym for the first time & I remembered you were late. I had to leave earlier to meet the wedding consultant that day. 

have finally packed half of my stuff. maybe leaving this place with so many memories of will make the pain easier.

packing is so tiring. I found many ticket stubs of movies we watched together.

I went to the gym at Cathay today with 吉岡さん。

I looked into the studio and saw you in the glass. I saw the shadows of our reflections not so long ago, when we stood there and laughed at the instructor with the very short shorts doing kicks on stage through the glass, when we stood there and ogled at a cute Japanese guy through the glass. 

I ran for 3km, stopped of hunger & restlessness & went to look for 吉岡さん。 She was at the stretching area. I saw you there lying on the mat with me chatting..

I didn’t know what else to do; I went into the locker room and sat down at our usual bench right at the end. I looked at the empty bench beside me & I just couldn’t help it. Tears came to my eyes & i just sobbed into my towel as quietly as I could. When I got better, and 吉岡さん came in, I started crying uncontrollably again. 

What’s wrong with me??

吉岡さん said she liked the picture of us hugging at the wedding. I can still hear your voice telling me 「ジョスリン、本当に嬉しいよ」 as you gave me a hug after I said jokingly that your boobs were showing. 

Why wasn’t you more careful….

suddenly thought of the time when we ate pasta at the underground stores at Hankyu. 

we waited for quite a while in queue, you went to the loo for some big business while i wanted in line, you told me about your ex bf over the food.

I was thinking about the time when you told me you watched Batman Forever with M on our way to ORQ for gym. I remembered very clearly your expression as you described the movie, and your grimace when you were describing the scene when the Joker stuck the pencil in the guy’s head. 

I was thinking about the time you asked me during lunch when Shinobu-san first came back from maternity leave, about where I would have my baby, in Singapore or in Japan and I said, hmmm… I don’t think I want to have kids yet, and probably in Singapore? 

I was thinking about the time when we sat at Coffee Club at Millenia Walk, last year july or August, after I first joined FF , after my lasik, when you sat down and studied for your basic license, the Japanese PADI guide that I found in your room last weekend, while I tried to study for JLPT but ended up reading a magazine instead. You chided me for having read the same 2 pages for 20 minutes, because I got bored and started laughing at me. It was a windy day, very windy, and we sat there until 4pm because you were meeting some friends after & I was meeting my cousin for dinner at takashimaya. we sat there, we saw Takeyoshi-san and spoke to her.. and it started to rain quite heavily. 

I was thinking about the housewarming party you had at your place at Bukit Merah, when me & Yoshioka-san & Shinobu-san went. I saw the housewarming gift of a bowl that Shinobu-san gave you & I saw it packed up on Saturday. I remembered how we watched Little Britain, laughed alot while I fell asleep on the couch.. we went to Coffee Club at Mohammed sultan, sat on the swing couch while you had a drink. 

why did you leave me behind ..

I really don’t know how to function without you around.

I’m glad the weekend is over.

Firstly it made me feel sad all over again. 

Secondly, I got quite angry at some stuff. I realise how you see what you didn’t know before & I know now what you meant. 

Thirdly, I hate it when people say “This is what Ayaka wants” because how would they know what you want right? I am only doing this because this needs to be done for your mom & family, not really whether it’s what you want/ if you will be happy. sighz. 

Fourthly, I can’t believe how there are so KY pple around. 

Thank you for bringing Manami-san to Singapore this 2 weeks.

We helped your mum packed your stuff this weekend.

I couldn’t help but start crying when I saw your dresses, those you wore where we had happy memories in. 

helped you disconnect your cable tv as well. 

was a great help to your mom for the banking matters. I’m glad I was of some help with Manami.

Manami-san is here in singapore. we helped you to tease Hiroki about いろいろ。

went to terminate my membership at George St. 

I remembered our 約束 to swim together at their lovely pool there with the wonderful view of downtown cbd and the time we went with Yasushi & Hiroki & chatted by the pool in the cool evening breeze. and we didn’t get to do that yet.

the front desk manager asked why I wanted to terminate, and asked if I had anyone to transfer my membership to. I said, yes, I had, but she passed away..  

and she told me about 2 staff members who passed away from illnesses who were younger than you. 

I felt really sorry. 

Your mom is coming to Singapore this weekend. I don’t know what to say to her.

watched Marley & me & I thought of you. 

It was touching & every funny scene that I thought you would have found funny I smiled at. 

I couldn’t cry when the dog died.

It felt like all my tears had been used up for you.

Today I walked past Starbucks in front of Pacific Plaza & my eyes began to water.

I can’t help but recall the times we sat there for a drink, & how you also held up the bearista for me to take pictures for this year’s CNY, the cow bearista which had a snout. The time you invited me to watch 花より男子 with the free tix at Lido you had, the time you tried to help me use my isetan vouchers by buying lots of groceries which was the day you got robbed.. 

Today, I felt lost. 

Almost every public holiday we would go to the gym in the morning & then shop together in the afternoon. I wandered around orchard myself this afternoon..

I tried my best but I still couldn’t help but let the tears roll down my cheeks during the memorial, during my words about you to everyone. I didn’t know why my hand was shaking so badly uncontrollably. 

I hope you heard everything.

I’m supposed to say something about you tomorrow or something to you? 

I think I kinda finished saying everything to you here. 

Is there anything you want to hear from me?

Hello everyone, We’re holding a memorial service for Ayaka Go at Fort Canning Park Centre, White Studio on 2009/3/18 (wednesday)

 The memorial service will start at 6:00pm and will last around half an hour.

i saw in a forum some idiots are saying really weird stuff. 

can’t they just respect the dead?

was the rain these 2 days your tears in disguise? 

My mom in law said it was strange to have rain for this time of the year. 

I’m attributing all strange things to you. 

I had to return to singapore today. 

今日あまり郷さんのことを考えなかった。。（眠かったからかな）

お葬式の後もうちょっと落ち着いたと思います。

木村さんは再来週からシンガポールに来るよ。（郷さんは仕事もうできないから・・）

郷さんとのいつもの時間木村さんと一緒にするね。

I couldn’t feel that it was you there. 

Yesterday, 今野さん、上原さん、林さん、木村さん & Steve came to the wake.

Today,  大峰さん、一臣さん、草賀さん、上原さん、八重さん、あやみさん、鈴木さん& your friends Gonzo & Barry came to see you off. 

Every one was crying buckets of tears for you, even the men. It was heartbreaking to see Mii-chan crying as well. Did you see this? 

草賀さん told me I should not keep wanting you back, otherwise you cannot rest in peace. He said throughout he was praying for you to reach the other side safely. I guess I was too selfish. 天国へ安心で行ってください。

i am trying to  let go of the wanting you back mindset. although I think that’s what everyone wants. 

We had お好み焼き　at 梅田東通り　for lunch and I remembered the first time I went to your house for dinner at International Plaza, you cooked pretty good お好み焼き、 and your cucumber salad was the best. it was there everyone warned me about someone while asking me what Ryo was like. I think that was when we all became so close.  During lunch, everyone was talking about you, how you were 上手い at the last offsite presentation for svcs, and how much your presentation skills improved. I’m really proud of you, and they all were. 

I don’t know how long I can carry on talking to you, but I’ll try to update whatever we do as much as possible to you. You must be missing us all from where you are too.

I will go for your funeral now. 

I hope I don’t have to say this to anyone else for a long time. 

This morning i saw a small excerpt of おくりびと on tv. it made me cry imagining you being dressed in that white kimono. & we were supposed to watch it together!!! I can’t  believe it was only last monday when I told u that story at lunch and u said you wanted to watch slumdog as well.