I haven’t looked here in a while. Partly because I was too busy, partly because I didn’t want to think about Ayaka & feel sad.

I think of her every yoga class. At the end of the class, during the meditation time, I would lie down, close my eyes and see Ayaka & me giggling during one of the first few classes at Fitness First, when one girl just laid there having really fallen asleep during the meditation after the class. The lights were switched on & she continued sleeping there; and we were chuckling & wondering if she really fell asleep.

i saw you in one of my dreams last month. You had bought a new dress & asked me how it looked; I was overwhelmed by many people trying to talk to me at the same time & asked you to wait while I cleared the other people first. by the time I got back to you, you weren’t there anymore. exactly what happened in real life. i’m sorry. I wanted to tell you the dress looks great, exactly your style & I missed seeing you around.

This shouldn’t be affecting me now it’s almost been a year but it is. I can’t help the tears rolling down my cheeks as I write this to you now.

きっと、2010年の手帳って、郷さんはこれを使います。

Last night, it was the first time I saw you so clearly in a dream.

It was a dream about the sea, there was all sorts of talk about diving.

I miss you. I thought that if I could continue to sleep I could continue to talk to you but you went away..

I went to see your grave today.

I didn’t know what to say to you. I could only help clean up and wash up and leave some flowers and convey everyone’s thoughts & light you some candles & incense.

even though it’s a little out of the way, I think I can visit you when I’ve time.

it’s almost 6 months. 1 more day in fact. time flies.

I was thinking about you tonight. actually most times when I’m alone I think about you.

I’ll think about you when I see any starbucks, whenever I go to Millenia Walk, when i go through the food court, I’ll think about you eating with me & Araki-san at the table after hot yoga on Saturday mornings.

I keep replaying our conversation at the bus stop last october, before the wedding.

” 嬉しいですよ!” you said. and I really felt your happiness for me. and i was happy to have you as my friend.

Everytime I do something, I would wonder if you are watching me from where you are. What would you think if you could see me now? Do you see how lonely I am w/o u around?

I think about how I would react if I were to see you in the mirror behind me after showering. Would I be afraid or would I be happy to see you?

the people who are gone are slowly forgotten as people get back into their own lives. they become some slice of memory in everyone’s mind.

there have been so many changes in Singapore since I was gone. you would have wanted to show me around. instead, now I go around with you in my mind showing you the changes that have happened in the past few months.

the memory of us riding the MRT back together after sending Akane off on her backpacking trip suddenly surfaced in my mind.

I can still remember our conversation describing the girl sitting opposite us as having スイカ sized boobs, and all the fruits we were trying to use to describe the different sizes.

and then you made fun of me cos my zip was half open (it was spoilt….) and said i was an exhibitionist. (0.0)

The train ride from Changi airport felt so short that day.

Happy birthday Ayaka, you’ll always be 29 years old in our hearts.

I thought i would visit u after I get some omiyage for you from singapore. I actually dread going back to see all the familiar places with memories of you all over orchard shopping together.

I finally saw you again last night.

Had a strange dream when your mom asked us to go to your house. & suddenly, you appeared, only to me, aas pretty as ever, and showed me your bedroom. I felt so happy to see you, despite knowing it was only your spirit, and i felt so so so happy to have you show me your room. Things seemed to have been left untouched; unfortunately, you encouraged me to open your wardrobe, your drawers. When I pulled open your drawers, I saw leftover chicken drumsticks.  & I wondered, why haven’t they decayed?

After I walked away from that drawer, I realised something sticky was on my elbow. I looked down and saw 2 tiny maggots.  I turned in shock to you and you were gone.

I could only wake up.